Working in the shadows
brief notes on excavating insights regarding the process (or something like that)
Well hello there dear, patient reader! How are you keeping?
My sincerest apologies for having been somewhat silent in this space.
I returned from the adventure and then succumbed to a truly nasty cold/flu/virus. Whether it was Covid or not I am unsure, as no-one seems to care much any more around here.
I always see illness as my body’s way of taking a break and clearing the path for something new.
Once the energy returned, I found myself unable to avoid the dragons that were lumbering around in my studio space any longer. While I had been resting I had been reading research around intermittent fasting and had found myself wondering whether that was something that may assist me in shifting things. So, in the spirit of exploration and curiosity, I descended into the cavern armed with water and resolve.
It was a morning of constant battles against myself, the dragons, the stuff that did not want me to let it go.
Every time I found myself slumped on the floor or against the steps paging through a book or holding a ball of yarn and staring blankly at a box, I kindly gave myself a sip of water and a gentle encouragement - “I know this is hard, Nicola, but you can do this, look how much you have already managed today!”
I knew from previous experience that there is a point where the brain-fog suddenly lifts, as mist melts in sunlight, and decision making becomes effortless and crystal clear.
It took a while.
Four hours in fact.
But, once the shift happened, I was able to power through and fill six large boxes for the local thrift/charity store and three bags for recycling.
The space is lighter and clearer and I have been able to get going on some work that a gallery in the UK has asked me to deliver.
It is not ideal - my perfectionist would want it to be ordered and colour-coordinated and labelled and exquisitely interior-designed before I got going on the artist work.
BUT. I am imperfect. I wish to show up with authenticity and humility. The truth is this: that showing up and doing the work is all I can do. However that looks, I need to find a way to do it. Right now, this is good enough. And doing the work (good work and bad) is far more fruitful than not doing the work until everything is perfect.
I am pretty sure that given the themes that run through the posts written by others that I read here on Substack, that you understand this already, but I needed to put this in writing, to remind myself when the perfectionist starts muttering again.
I would love to hear from you if this gentle acceptance of being good enough has helped you start working while the perfectionist was out to lunch or off on a vacation, perhaps?! (Or maybe just sitting in the corner colouring in inside the lines with the judge and critic…)
And now that I have written this post I hope to be able to return to more regular writing because there has been so very much to report on.
So, until next week, wishing you gentle moments of self compassion and kindness (and maybe a spot of mischief!)
Nicola x
What a beautiful post as ever, Nicola. And you are right! Our parallel creative journeys continue.
I was also ill recently (it was actually Covid). And in a strange way, coming out of it I felt grateful for the forced pause and the clarity that came afterwards. I feel a spring in my step at the moment and I think it's partly because I stopped and re-evaluated.
I love what you've shared here. The clearing out and creating space too is a big one. Mental and actual space. I know you like to collect things with potential so I'm sure this was tough. But it sounds like it's been a very worthwhile exercise.
Keep going with your beautifully flawed and imperfect process and art!
I love this post so much - all your words and the beautiful, gentle images too. I also love the idea of my perfectionist self going out to lunch, or indeed going anywhere else! I'm not sure I've quite managed the good-enough mindset yet - still a way to go but I hope I will get there. And you are SO right in that doing the work is vital - I have failed at this so many times and had months of inactivity due to hopelessness of getting things perfect. Now that a little energy has returned to my mind and body after a long summer I hope to move forwards again - and as I do I will encourage my perfectionist to at least go and have a wander in the garden!